Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
