i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
