Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
