I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
