he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
