saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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