Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
