everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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