Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
