at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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