his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
