I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
