My sheets look like a crime scene.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
