just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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