glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
