Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
