He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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