I will die if light touches me.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
