Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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