You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
