my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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