At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm getting married
To pizza
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
