Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
