There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
