dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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