she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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