I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
