Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
