hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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