Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
