I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
FUCK WHALES
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