She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
