'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
