He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
