You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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