loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
