for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
