Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
