Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
