She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
