I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
