I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
whose parrot is this?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
