My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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