dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
