I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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