after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
