I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
