I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
