Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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