Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
