Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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