if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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